You’re out at the shopping centre,
ready to try on something different,
looking for new clothes to fill out,
thinking, dreaming of how great you could look.
You find a jumper four sizes too big,
it’s perfect! Just like the one in the magazine you read every week.
You climb in, a home too big to house your belongings
promise yourself to grow into it
make plans to renovate, expand yourself
be something different, something more.
You leave happy but unsettled.
One day you gaze in the mirror a moment too long,
see yourself swallowed up by the ocean of expectations you’ve given yourself
take off the jumper defeated and regress.
Confidence knocked you take shelter in a charity shop,
desperately ransack clothes racks for something familiar,
find clothes that reek of childhood.
Tell yourself you could be comfortable in them.
Pull it over your head in hopes of a better image,
even though it took 10 minutes to get on you smile,
pass the money to the cashier, it’s your’s,
you might be limiting yourself to old trends,
at least you know you look great.
You look at old photos to compare
cringe that the jumper-phase was ever a thing,
you’re much more comfortable now.
It’s like you’re 15 again,
it’s like you never grew up,
nothing ever changed.
You look in the mirror again, reality lumps out of your body
bursting under the pressure to keep your adulthood under wraps.
This isn’t good enough.
You aren’t good enough.
You rip the clothes off and start the process again.
-A.Webb (first draft)