Social.

Every night feels like opening night and I am the leading role,

‘Tonight, I’ll be doing a convincing portrayal of an extrovert (again)’.

I became a method actor, wearing the title like a badge of honour,

attempting to coax a new personality into my life to use as my own.

 

I can’t stay in character anymore.

 

I’ve worn the costume every day hoping it would become my second skin;

twenty-three years in and it isn’t working.

I am slowly realising that maybe it isn’t my colour,

tones of people could sell the performance but I am out of stock.

I can’t do it justice anymore – every night I dread putting it on,

tired of convincing other people that I love it,

spinning them lie after lie, stitches that keep these pieces together.

 

I’m starting to hope my costume falls apart, actively looking for frays,

stitches I can pull apart, shredding the illusion I created for the public.

As it falls away I have visions of my new costume,

one lighter on my frame, more fitted to the figure I’ve grown to be:

the introvert, a new supporting character!

I won’t always steal the show but I don’t want that anymore,

people might not think I’m the leading role but I’ll still be mine.

 

-A.Webb (second draft)

Brace, brace.

I didn’t know I was falling

until we hit the ground hard,

you braced for impact

whilst I dived head first.

-A.Webb

Moonlight

I have been waking in the dead of night,

calling out names I can’t make out.

Do I know them?

…Do they know me?

 

I have been coughing out honesty,

quick, harsh bursts of anxious ramblings;

hard to process.

Harder to swallow.

 

They’ve been growing for a while now,

pushing on my throat,

I gasp and I gasp and I gasp but tonight

they will not let me breathe.

 

Maybe I’ve spent too long thinking,

they say at nighttime things seem worse,

that the moon, bright beacon,

casts light on heavy truths.

 

 

I have been fighting with my conscience –

intent on showing me who’s the bigger man.

In sunlight it will all seem so weightless,

I’m growing impatient for dawn.

 

-A.Webb (first draft)

Re:Focus

I’ve been working my way out of this maze,

there’s been times when I’ve just been walking;

pretending to want to find a way out.

Trying to try without much effort,

halfhearted steps to escaping something I call home.

 

Now I’m making moves,

using my lens to better understand,

I’m learning there are ways to make this work,

it isn’t that I need to leave the maze,

it’s that I can learn to cope when being lost gets too much.

 

Here’s to making distances,

walking down beautiful pathways

just to find dead ends I need to turn back on.

I don’t know when I’ll get out,

for now I’ll try to love the journey.

-Alex W. (first draft)

 

 

Shine

If we stopped to look around

and realised that everyone is silently

wearing a crown upon their head,

would we crave their power anymore?

-Alex W (First draft)

Four Thoughts for Surviving

1.

You are good at building bridges,

so what if a few burnt down?

Pick up the slats from the ashes,

use the remains to strengthen others,

build on them, make something beautiful.

 

Build a monument to eclipse the bridge,

let the world sit amazed

by what you’ve loosed upon them all.

You could sculpt magnificence

in the cliffside of your lifetime.

 

2.

A man once told you

‘don’t settle for anything less than what you deserve’,

I know you’ve always hated

when people try and control you,

this was a demand worth listening to.

 

Do you remember how it felt with him?

Do you remember the magic that pulsed through you?

There are others with incantations

that are waiting to be learnt,

find them, love them as your own.

 

3.

There will be nights like tonight,

there will be nights where you feel

as if your old self has crept back inside.

This is a reminder to yourself that

there is no ghost you cannot exorcise.

 

Sometimes you might remember

the shadows you used to call friends.

There are moments you might reach out to them,

don’t do it, fumble through your drawers,

grab your flashlight instead.

 

4.

One day you will wake up and regret this poem,

think it is pointless, you were just lying,

you were deluding yourself.

This piece is proof you believed otherwise,

you can believe again.

 

 

These words are a message to yourself,

use them to remind yourself you can do this.

Remember that sometime ago

you loved yourself enough,

to save your life today.

 

-Alex W, (first draft).

When you fell, I fell harder

I never thought I’d let you slip,

watching you fall, nonchalant,

not caring enough to reach out.

I sat and watched you break,

not sure if I felt relief or pain.

 

You were crying out on the floor,

desperate for a helping hand.

A younger me would have given one,

not waiting for the call,

considering it a duty, not an offer.

 

I think this is the moment I realised

my cynicism had taken root;

it walked in uninvited

a guest I didn’t open the door for,

a bed I didn’t want to make,

my manners took over me,

it needed a place to stay.

-Alex W. (rough first draft)

Silent Moving

I woke up this morning

swallowing keys to locks

I tied round my neck

in last night’s dream.

 

I tried to speak,

whisper words like secrets

I’m scared to let loose

for fear of seeing my weakness.

 

I’m not sure what language

I dreamt in last night,

who was it that taught me

to bark with no bite?

 

I woke up this morning

clutching pillow to ear,

in silence I screamed

I’m not ready to hear.

-Alex W. (first draft)

Just Deserted

We are sending up messages like smoke rings,

we’re not sure they’ll get anywhere.

we’ll just stay here, stuck,

crying out for help neither of us want.

 

You’ve been stamping out fires I’m starting,

hoping that a spark won’t start up.

I’ve been half-heartedly writing messages

in broken bottles I throw out to sea.

 

We know they’re not going anywhere

at least we can say we tried,

we can say that something else kept us here,

despite our best efforts we fought for our freedom.

 

We can argue there was a greater plan

set by a higher power that we stay stranded.

With this in mind, at least tonight we’ll sleep soundly.

At least, tonight, we will finally sleep again.

-Alex W. (rough first draft)

Incognito in Transit

You’ve just left me,

I feel broken, at least a little bit,

I’m working on getting better,

I’m getting ready to pick up the pieces,

my friends call me up,

 

ask me if I want to go out

 

 

and I’m

 

 

 

THERE! I’m so totally there man,

it’s been ages man – how are you?

Don’t worry guys, I’ve been keeping up,

social media – we can’t stand it,

can’t stand to live without it, am I right?

How am I dealing with the break up?

Maaan, that’s in the past!

I’m fine, onto greener pastures innit!

It was a dead end relationship anyway,

I’m better off without ‘em!

 

Anyway, let’s get some drinks in,

I’m ready to get fucked UP,

both literally and figuratively, eh?

What have you been up to? How’s Uni going?

Man I miss Uni, man I miss those days,

so chilled now it’s just grind, grind, grind –

kinda like I’m gonna be doing tonight, right?

Right?? RIGHT?!

You know me man, full of jokes man.

I can’t wait for tonight, it’s going to be great.

So, yeh, you were saying – Uni, how is it?

Ah that’s great to hear!

We’re heading out soon right?

Sweet, I’ll get the taxi – my treat guys, my treat,

what club we going to?

 

Hey man, it’s been a minute since we been here,

I’m gonna head back now,

it’s been real man,

been real fun, so much fun,

we gotta do this more often,

nah I’m serious,

it’s GOT to happen,

a night out with my boys,

 

nights out with my boy,

 

 

nights without my boy,

 

 

 

nights without my boy spent in my room,

every night without my boy,

you’ve just left me,

I feel broken, at least a little bit,

I’m working through it.

I’m working on getting better,

I’m working on working on you.

 

-Alex W. (First draft)

 

I’m trying to work with different voices inside one piece more and this was a first draft I wanted to post as a starting point. Any feedback and constructive criticism would be great!